My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
