I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
