I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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