the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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