my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
