I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
