My first STD was from a foam party
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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