Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
