He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
