I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
