It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
