She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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