Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
