Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
