The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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