She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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