Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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