Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Too much gin, very little bucket
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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