maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
