How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The air taste purple.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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