i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
