you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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