Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
