You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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