God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
