seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
