It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
