please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
