every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
