remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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