Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
