mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
