I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
