somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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