When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
After tacos, we're chasing women.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
