remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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