you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
