I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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