the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
