return my video game
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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