I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
