His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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