Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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