I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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