Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
