He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
