After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
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Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
