My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
