batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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