I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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