drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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